Life coach and author Teri Mello explains the difference between having information and using it
It was during the aftermath of a painful marriage and divorce that Teri Mello began to understand her authentic self. She has used what she learned in coaching her clients.
Relationship coach and author Teri Mello
“I took a Leading From Your Strengths profile,” she said. “Among other things, I discovered that my aggressive approach to problem solving was a gift from God.”
Previously, Teri had condemned that part of her nature as hard-hitting and forceful. She sought to bury it. Today she views that quality differently, describing herself as “bold.” Teri has come to embrace her intensity as part of her unique, God-given nature and now exercises it as a passionate speaker, life coach, and writer.
In other words, she applies it.
Information Versus Application
Self-understanding, Teri believes, is so powerful in relationships that it has become a cornerstone in her work as a life coach and a key principle in her book, Friendship-ing: A New Approach to Single Relationships.
Even so, “Nobody changes by reading a book or a report,” says Teri. “It is important to discover what you believe about what you are reading and then apply the information in your life.”
Understanding yourself by taking the profile so you have data from which to work is just the first step in building healthier relationships. Using the data from the profiles, and applying it, is what brings about life transformation.
Two Steps to Applying Your Profile Information
Whether you are a counselor, pastor, coach, or manager working with others to lead from their strengths – or if you are single or married and are using the profile to maximize your relationships – there are two steps to take when it comes to applying profile information.
- Embrace yourself. As you identify your strengths, you gain insight about why you do things the way you do. Rather than “boxing you in,” understanding your strengths allows you to experience freedom. “My journey has been one of learning to embrace my boldness,” says Teri. “Previously that quality was buried.” Understanding your differences allows you to value and validate yourself.
- Embrace others. As you embrace your uniqueness it becomes easier to accept and value uniqueness in others around you. People no longer need to be what you expect them to be, but rather who they truly are. By acting on that information, you validate those differences in others. The foundation of any relationship (old or new) is built on the solid ground of acceptance.
Applying Information Transforms Relationships
Many relationship struggles boil down to two people approaching simple tasks in completely different ways. Do they understand those differences? Can they learn to accept those differences?
Such was the case with Mike and Sue, a couple who came to Teri for coaching in the midst of a crisis. Sue, in her frustration with Mike, had had an affair. Yet both husband and wife wanted the marriage to succeed.
After working through the immediate crisis with Teri, Mike and Sue completed the Leading From Your Strengths profiles and discovered at least one significant difference: how they processed information. Sue expressed herself easily and energetically, often with vibrancy and spirit. Mike, however, was cool and detached. For several weeks the couple talked about these differences. The couple understood the two approaches and even accepted them as part of their uniqueness.
Yet communication stymied. When asked to share a thought, Mike’s regular response was, “I don’t know.” Frustration built in naturally sociable, optimistic Sue as she sought feedback from Mike, an objective, analytical realist. Mike, on the other hand, did not want to share information if it was not complete.
The breakthrough came when Mike agreed to avoid using the phrase, “I don’t know” – and when Sue agreed to accept whatever thoughts he shared. Mike began to offer bits of information even if he felt they were incomplete. Sue relaxed on pressing him. Soon, they were able to discuss ideas and goals at a deeper level. They went on to create individual and family purpose statements, eventually sharing those thoughts with their children as a foundation for healthy living.
Understanding themselves had been the first step for Mike and Sue – a good one. The next step meant using that content in their behaviors. Once Mike and Sue applied the information they learned about their differences and valued those differences, their marriage was transformed.
Validation: The Greatest Gift
Understanding how each person approaches a task is the first step to building a healthy relationship, but people make a turning point in their relationship when they use that information in how they interact.
“In working with other people, the greatest gift we can give them is to love who they are, not make them who we want them to be,” says Teri. “By validating and valuing their authentic person, we free them to use that information and thrive as themselves and in their relationships.”
More about how other ministries use Leading From Your Strengths profiles
Leadership: Building Up Leaders Down Under
Materials Need For this Exercise
- Two tables or flat surfaces
- Four unopened packages of 3×5 index cards (lined or unlined, any color). With a felt tip marker, write on two of the packages “DO NOT OPEN”
- Timing device: stopwatch, timer, or watch with seconds measurement
Instructions
The point of the first exercise is to break the ice and to vividly demonstrate the power available to teams that work together. The first part of the exercise is designed to draw out participants’ natural tendencies and reactions under stress. Be careful NOT to give too much information or instruction—you want them to be a little uncomfortable with the small amount of direction given.
Place one package of unopened 3×5 cards on each of the two tables. Use the packages you have labeled “DO NOT OPEN.” When the participants have arrived, divide them into two teams, assigning each team to a table. Begin by saying something like this: We’re here to build an even closer team, and to begin that process, we’re going to do a quick exercise. Your instructions are simple. You have a minute and a half to build the tallest freestanding structure, using only these 3×5 cards on your table. Ready, Set, Go!
As the facilitator, don’t answer any questions at this point, just smile and urge them to start building. If someone presses you for more information, just say things like, Let’s go; there’s not much time or I can’t answer any questions right now. At several points during the next minute, spur them onward with time announcements like, Just one minute left! Hurry up! Only thirty seconds! After one and a half minutes, call time and stop the game; ask teams to step away from the tables. Say something like this: Look around and take a few mental notes about what you just experienced: how you felt, what role you played, and what you observed.
Now tell them this: For the next three minutes, I want your team to talk about and to plan building as high a structure as you possibly can, using only these 3×5 cards. I’ve been told that the world record is four feet, six inches. However, for the next three minutes you can’t touch a card or the table; you can only talk about what you can do to break the world record and the opposing team. At the end of the three minutes, I’ll give you another minute and a half to build a taller freestanding structure than the opposing team. Do you have any questions? Time their planning window of three minutes, and stop them by saying: Before we start building, please knock any structure down that is currently half stop the teams by saying: Step away from the tables. Look around and take a few mental notes again about what you see and what you just experienced. This too will be discussed later in this session. standing on your table. Here is a new set of cards that you can add to the existing cards. You now have a minute and a half to build the tallest freestanding structure. Go! There should be significant pressure on the teams and a certain amount of chaos present during both exercises. At a minute and a half stop the teams by saying: Step away from the tables. Look around and take a few mental notes again about what you see and what you just experienced.
Explore the following question with the team.
- During the first round of the “3×5 Card Game,” how did each team member react?
- What was different the second time your team built the tower of index cards? Why?
- Did you see any differences in the way team members approached the problem?
- Did you see any differences in how they dealt with other team members?
- Did you see any differences in how they responded to limited information? Time pressures? The “DO NOT OPEN” labels?
- What are some specific ways you will use the information you learned in this exercise to strengthen the team?
What To Expect
No matter what size the group, the amazing thing is the consistency of what happens during the second attempt. After just three minutes of planning, almost any group will double the height they reached on their first try. The difference will amaze people! Some team members with high Structure strengths will argue that no one should open the package of cards because of your written instruction “Do Not Open.” That team will use up most of their time during the first round discussing or arguing over that issue. Others will begin to fold the cards in half and stack them on top of each other to build a tower. The more aggressive team members will take over; some will be shy. Some will cheer on those taking charge. Remember that there is not a wrong way to conduct the exercise. It is merely a game to demonstrate the great variety of approaches and behaviors among team members. As a facilitator, try not to give too much direction, but observe the different behaviors to help them see the value of each team member.
Family Insights Profile Helps Families Lead From Their Strengths
God created each member of your family with unique strengths. His plan for families is not for isolation or broken relationships, but rather closeness and support. The problem is, until now, families have not had a simple way to capture their unique strengths in a meaningful way and understand how they can work together.
Family Insights Profiles empower families to take this step – for each of you to discover and use your God-given strengths, to value each others’ strengths, and to blend. Parents complete a Parent Insights Profile. Teens complete a Teen Insights Profile. Together, family members come together and share their results.
Whether you’re looking to strengthen your family or bring unity from conflict – don’t just survive. Your family can thrive.
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About Profiles::
About Family Insights Profiles
Family Insights Profiles are actually two sets of reports: the Parent Insights Profile and the Teen Insights Profile. Each family member, whether parent or teen, completes the appropriate questionnaire and receives an individualized profile report by email. Together, parents and teens share their results using the Family Insights Process Guide free download.
This simple process allows all of you to discover the unique differences in your family and equip you with the understanding to value those differences, increasing communication and building supportive, closer relationships during this crucial time in your family’s life.
About Parent Insights Profile
The Parent Insights Profile is for parents. It is a personalized, detailed 20-page report outlining your individual and relational strengths and how you apply them to your family relationships. The report accurately and objectively describes who you are in your family, your parenting style, keys to motivating you based on your wants and values, and keys to effective communication based on your strengths.
Profile reports are compiled and presented instantaneously after you complete a simple, 10-minute online questionnaire. Results are delivered immediately by email.
When you and your family members share each others’ reports with each other, you will begin to understand each other better and discover how you complement one another. The profiles also provide action steps to equip you to communicate more effectively and grow closer as a family. You’ll have the ability to speak each others’ language like never before.
About Teen Insights Profile
The Teen Insights Profile is for teenagers. It is a personalized, detailed 20-page report outlining your teen’s individual and relational strengths and how he or she applies them to your family relationships. Designed specifically for adolescents, the report statements are written in the first person and will read as if your son or daughter had opened the window into their deepest wants, needs and desires. The report accurately and objectively challenges your teen to assess their decision-making style, discover the most effective way they accomplish tasks, and handle conflict. This profile will be liberating and encouraging for them, and will give them an objective platform to share information and understanding with you.
Profile reports are compiled and presented instantaneously after your teen completes a simple, 10-minute online questionnaire. Results are delivered immediately by email.
The profile questionnaire
Both Parent Insights and Teen Insights questionnaires consist of 24 boxes. Each box contains four adjectives we call “descriptors.” The user reads each of the four descriptors and chooses which one describe what he is most like and least like.
It’s that simple.
The Profile Report
Both the Parent Insights Profile and Teen Insights Profile are packed full of information to improve communication in your family. Each includes the following sections:
- Introduction: an explanation of the meanings of the letters in Your Style Analysis Graph and brief description of the basic character traits.
Your Strengths
- Your Style Analysis Graph: a visual picture in graph form of your “core” style in four relational areas: problem solving, processing information, managing change, facing risk.
- General Statements: a narrative summary which outlines a broad understanding of your strengths and behavioral style. The teen version is in first person, as if your teen recorded a list describing his or her own strengths and behaviors.
Communication
- Checklist for Communicating: practical ways for others to communicate with you.
- Don’ts on Communicating: practical steps for others to avoid when communicating with you.
- One-Word Descriptors: words that may describe you in the four predictable areas.
- Communicating with Others: a list of ways you can improve your communication with others.
Self-Understanding
- Perceptions: a list of ways you see yourself and ways others see you.
- Action Plan: a guide for preparing a plan to improve communication.
Your Adapted Strengths
- Additional Insights: a narrative explanation of how much you feel you may need to adapt your core style to match the needs or requirements of your home environment and to fit your unique family relationships.
- Style Analysis Graphs: a visual picture in graph form of your “core” style and your “adapted” style.
- How Are You Having to “Adapt”?: a list of descriptions of how you may feel you need to respond to the current home environment to be successful as a parent or accepted by your parents as a teen.
- The Ministry Insights Wheel: a narrative and visual explanation that reveals your family’s collective strengths.
Sharing your Family Insights Profiles with your family will become a great springboard to increased communication and understanding. Use the Family Insights Process Guide (a free download) to walk you through sharing your profiles and forming a plan to blend differences.
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Why Use Profiles::
Why Use Family Insights Profiles?
Differences divide people today as never before. A large percentage of homes are filled with conflict, isolation, or brokenness. Families everywhere are torn apart and are in crisis – and Christians are not immune.
God’s plan for families offers something much better than that. He gives each family member unique strengths that are meant to blend together to create an atmosphere of mutual support – to complement, not compete (1 Corinthians 12, Psalm 68:6, Psalm 133:1).
How Families Can Become Stronger
Often families are unaware that their differences actually represent enormous strengths. But once parents and children recognize the need to pursue God’s plan for differences in their families, the results are life-changing. No matter what the family unit – a single-parent family, a traditional family, or a blended family – each member brings individual strengths to the unit and makes it stronger.
Why Do Families Choose to Discover Their Strengths?
The break up of the American family is not a new story, although recent studies demonstrate its devastating impact on our culture. Fortunately, new generations understand the value of the family as our social unit. 61% American “Millennials” – those born between 1980 and 1991 – say family comes first in their list of what’s important, ahead of friends, education, careers and even religion. That’s excellent news!
Here are a few more reasons families like yours have used Family Insights Profiles in their homes with transformational results.
- 40% of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers.
- One of every 3 children born in the U.S. is the child of an unwed mother.
- 26% of children under 21 live with a single parent.
- The vast majority of American parents (91%) say that being a success as a parent does not include instilling faith in God in their children.
- 70% of Americans say they have a frustrating or difficult relative.
- When asked what they wished their parents had done differently during times of conflict, 5,000 surveyed adults say they wished their parents had listened more, they wished they could have talked about feelings more, and they wished they had talked to their parents more.
- An informal poll by a leading wellness educator reports that 82% find family gatherings stressful; 53% say their stress stems from interacting with difficult relatives.
Sources: The Barna Group; Furstenberg, Peterson, Nord, and Zill, “Life Course”; Hudson Institute Executive Briefing, 1997; Leonard Felder Ph.D.: “When Difficult relatives happen to good people”; Lifeway Research; Gary and Greg Smalley; United States Census Department: “Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support, 2007”; Wade, Horn and Busy, “Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform.”
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How To Use Profiles::
How To Use Family Insights Profiles
Family Insights Profiles allow parents and teens to understand their strengths, how their strengths complement each other, and build closeness and support. After completing a simple individual online questionnaire, each family member receives a personalized report which helps them discover their God-given strengths. This objective, positive data allows families to discover and value each others’ strengths and then create a plan to build a stronger family unit.
Here are practical steps your family can take to use Family Insights Profiles and build a supportive, energizing family life.
Complete the appropriate Family Insights questionnaire
Each family member completes the appropriate questionnaire. Parents fill out Parent Insights questionnaire; teens fill out Teen Insights questionnaire.
Read your profile reports
Each of you can learn about yourself from the report or confirm what you already know. Read the report more than once to understand it better.
Highlight statements
Each family member selects at least four statements in each section of your report that you believes is most true about yourself.
Share with your family
Use your reports as a springboard for discussion. Set aside time to talk about profile results as a family. Share highlighted sections from your report and listen as others share theirs.
Apply what you learn
Use the Action Plan section of your reports to choose commitments you’re willing to make to improve your communication and relationship.
Use the Family Insights Process Guide
This free, 5-page download can guide you and your family through the process of sharing your profiles, understanding your strengths, and growing together.
Learn more
Read the book Parenting From Your Strengths to get an even better idea about understanding and appreciating your family members’ strengths.
Keep growing
Continue to regularly reinforce your family members’ strengths and affirm positive changes, understanding, and improved communication with each other.
A solid understanding about differences in your family takes time and effort, but the rewards of a stronger, more supportive home are priceless.
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Free Guide::
The Family Insights Process Guide
The 5-page Family Insights Process Guide, a free download, is a step-by-step handbook for parents and their teenagers to use after they have taken the Family Insights Profiles (Parent Insights Profile and Teen Insights Profile.) The guide is a catalyst for communication, positive relationship changes, and building more understanding between parents and teens. Short exercises help structure discussion related to each section are accompanied by clear action items to strengthen your family.
Download the Family Insights Process Guide
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How To Buy::
How to Buy Family Insights Profiles
Profiles, made up of an online questionnaire and subsequent report, can be purchased at this website using an email address and a valid credit card (Visa, Master Card, Discover, or American Express). Your personal information is safe through our secure shopping cart system.
Take these steps to buy Family Insights Profiles:
- Click on “Add to Cart” at the right to select a profile or set of profiles. (Note: for best outcomes, each parent must complete an individual Parent Insights Profile; each teen must complete a Teen Insights Profile.)
- Fill out the online order form completely. Billing information needs to match the credit card’s billing address to complete your order.
- View and print your receipt displayed onscreen at the end of the checkout process. You’ll also receive a copy by email.
- Look in the email for a single-use password code for each family member completing a profile questionnaire. Family members will use their personal single-use password to complete their questionnaires online.
- Once each family member completes the online questionnaire (in 10 minutes or less), results will be delivered immediately to his or her email inbox designated on the order form.
- Your credit card statement will show charges to Ministry Insights or Insights International.
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Profile FAQs::
Family Insights Profile FAQs
Q. What’s the difference between Family Profiles, Parent Profiles, and Teen Profiles?
A. “Family Profiles” is the overarching term we use to refer to a combination of individual profiles from all members of your family. Parent Profile questionnaires are completed by each parent. The resulting report describes the parent’s strengths and parenting style. Teen Profile questionnaires are completed by each teen in the family. The resulting report describes the teen’s strengths and how he or she applies them in family relationships.
Q. Should we fill out our questionnaires together?
A. No. Each parent and teen should fill out his or her profile questionnaire individually. Profiles can completed at anytime from any internet-connected computer.
Q. How do I purchase profiles for my entire family?
A. When you purchase profiles online, you will designate an email delivery address (or addresses) on the order form. You will receive a receipt for your complete purchase onscreen. Simultaneously, an email receipt will be sent immediately to every email address you designate, whether your own or many. The email will include instructions for each individual recipient, including a website address they can click on and a personalized response link (single-use password code) to use in order to complete the questionnaire. Recipients go to the website, enter their single-use password code, and complete the questionnaire.
Q. How should we use the profile reports?
A. The profile reports provide a springboard for discussion and growth in your family. After each family member has completed the questionnaire and received their personal profile report, set aside a time to discuss the results. Use the Family Insights Process Guide to steer your discussion. Remind family members that using the Family Insights Profiles is an ongoing process. Ask family members to commit to reinforcing what they learn about themselves and each other.
Read more Frequently Asked Questions on our Profile FAQs page.
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Family Insights Profiles
Parent Version
All electronic profile codes are instantly delivered via email after purchase.
$26.95
Teen Version
All electronic profile codes are instantly delivered via email after purchase.
$26.95
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You and Your Spouse are Different By Design
God designed each of us with strengths. Both you and your spouse are unique – you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And what makes you unique is often very attractive to someone who is uniquely different than you.
The Different by Design Event is a marriage experience like no other. It’s not a lecture. It’s an interactive conference where you will be captivated as speakers guide you through exercises, leading you and your spouse to meaningful discussion to strengthen your relationship. But be forewarned: your marriage might not ever be the same again.
Don’t just survive in your marriage. Together, you can thrive.
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Event Overview ::
Different By Design Event Overview
Think about it: Did you marry someone very different from you? Differences impact all areas of your marriage, from communication to parenting strategies, from spending to saving. God intends for these differences to unite two spouses, not divide them … for spouses to live as one, not two. The problem is that is until now, couples have not had a simple way to understand each others’ unique strengths to build a meaningful oneness in marriage.
Event Focus
A Different By Design event equips Christian couples like you to take this step – to discover and use your God-given strengths in your marriage, to value your spouse’s strengths, and to blend. Your day will be filled with insightful teaching, experiential exercises, and meaningful discussions that will strengthen your marriage relationship.
What Couples Will Learn
Every couple faces four inescapable areas of differences: problem solving, processing information, managing change and facing risk. These areas seam to drive a wedge in more relationships over time than any other. The conference will open your eyes to God divine design for differences. Together you’ll learn how to use your personal strengths to –
- Design effective communication strategies
- Problem solve more effectively
- Exchange information that is meaningful and practical
- Balance the scales of a transitioning home environment
- Work together when making decisions
The Marriage Insights Profile
As part of your registration, you and your spouse will receive a short online assignment to fill out the Marriage Insights Profile questionnaire online. This assignment will take each of you about 8-10 minutes to complete independently, with no input from the other. After finishing, your responses will be instantly tabulated. You’ll receive your personalized Marriage Insights Profile report online through your email inbox. Print a copy, review the results, and bring a copy to the conference.
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Event Format::
Different By Design Event Format
This conference is normally hosted by a local church and presented in one of two formats:
- Friday night (7 – 9 PM) and Saturday morning (9 AM – 12 noon)
- Saturday morning (8 AM – 3:30)
Participants are asked to complete an individual Marriage Insights Profile prior to the event to gain the most benefit from the event.
Event Sessions
- The Mystery of Differences
- Danger in Differences
- The Law of Differences
- Problem Solving Together
- Processing Information Together
- Managing Change Together
- Facing Risk Together
- One Plus One Equals One
To find out the dates of a Different By Design event near you, check our Calendar.
For more information about scheduling a Different By Design event in your area, complete the form under the Event Request tab.
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Event Presenters::
About Different By Design Presenters
Rodney and Beth Cox
Rodney and Beth Cox are the founders of Ministry Insights International, an equipping ministry dedicated to strengthening Christian relationships in the workplace, in marriages, and in families.
A prominent, gregarious speaker and a man after God’s own heart, Rodney is universally characterized by friends, colleagues, and clients as one of the most insightful men in the strengths movement today. He is author of such titles as Leading From Your Strengths (3 book series), Love and Money, Different By Design, The Discovery Kit, and Incredible Creatures Adventure Kit (DVD Series). His works have touched more than 325,000 church leaders, teams, couples and children worldwide. Rodney works with groups as small as just a handful and up to hundreds, both speaking and leading workshops that equip Christians to discover and use their strengths.
Beth is a highly-respected artist who maintains an active studio in Arizona. Rodney and Beth have been married for 28 years and have two grown children.
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Video Tour::
Different By Design Promo Video
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What People Say::
What People Say About Different About Design Events
“Today during the lunch break, my wife and I had the most meaningful conversation in our 42 years of marriage!”
Phil, PA 
“After taking the Marriage Insights Profile, I felt understood for the first time in my life. Now my Ruth and I are learning to work together in a whole new way. She is learning to use her strengths to solve crisis situations in the home that need quick resolution, while me, being more analytical, deals with the more complex and long-term problems. Instead of Ruth being frustrated when I’m slow to respond in an crises, we both now understand that this is where she shines best. I appreciate her immediate response in this kind of situation, and we are able to use his strengths for long-range planning for the family.
Alex, CO “After 30 years of marriage we have a MUCH better understanding of our differences.”
Jamie and Steve, UT “We been in some form of marriage counseling since the fifth year of their marriage and we have been married 37 years During one of the break-out sessions, we had had one of the most intimate conversation of their marriage. Thank you for giving us hope. Now, that is the power of understanding that differences don’t have to separate us, but, on the contrary, can draw us together.”
Brian and Janice, FL “Fantastic! This seminar opened our eyes to behaviors in each of us and in our children. This has truly been transformational.”
Jack and Ruth, AZ “It was eye opening to think about our marriage as one. Truly one. I loved the profiles. Those really helped us.”
Lori, TX “Finally I feel like I can pinpoint the missing link to the years of failed communication with my spouse. Amazing information. Life changing. Thank you.”
Jeff, GA “I love the profile. I still am dumbfounded how it pegged my personality and given traits. This will help my wife and I immensely.”
Matthew, OH “I now have a much greater understanding of what God meant when he said that two shall become one.”
Mary Sue, NM “It made a huge difference in my understanding of the different types of people and their reactions to life’s situations. This will help me look at and value our differences instead of feeling like they are an obstacle.”
Ellie, IL “Great info. Loved it. It was a great opportunity to talk about tough issues in a safe environment.”
Leonard, FL “I know this seminar was ordained by God for our lives. We have been blessed with a very strong and loving relationship, but even today we were able to get new insights to each other and strategic ways to make something good even better. Thanks.”
Christian and Jessica, CA
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Event Request::
Find out how to host a Different By Design Event in your area!
Please complete the form below and click submit.
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